Trials of Emotion
by Luna34-Rogue
Summary: Connie has been getting annoyed with Mike... Part one in a four part story. Feedback is VERY welcome.
1. Part I

**DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN THESE CHARACTER OR LAW AND ORDER.**

**Trials of Emotion**

**Part I: Confidence**

Mike Cutter is a narcissistic jerk. Som**e **of the crap he's pulled, let's just say its more than legally ethical. But today, he crossed the line completely. Mike has been known to say and do what ever it takes to win a case. He did just that.

It was Cross-examination. The defendant was acting arrogant as hell. Mike told the defendant when he tells his people to move, they do it. He also said he 'ordered' me to look attractive and flirt with a juror on a different case. Which unfortunately was true. Some how it ends up being the twisted truth every time. I'd had about enough of it. Quitting is not an option, but no one said I couldn't set some boundaries with him.

"Mike, I need to talk to you."

"Yes?" he turned.

"What you said today in court-"

"Yeah, I know. I was out of line, I'm sorry."

I had my speech. I was so ready to tell him what I thought of the whole situation. Then he apologizes.

"Yeah, you were. But I accept your apology." I squeeze out a sweet smile.

"Good." he cleared his throat and looked down.

I cherished his uncomfortable moment. I usually don't show my temper. But today was a different sort of day.

"Mike." I said loudly.

His head jerked up and when he saw my expression, his brow furrowed. I felt a tear run down my cheek. I wiped it away. He closed the door to the office and sat me down.

"Connie, what I said was wrong and inconsiderate."

"I've had it."

"Had it?" he seemed puzzled.

"I think I need some time off."

"Connie, I've apologized. I don't know what more you want."

"May I have a few days off?" I ignored him.

He ran his fingers through his hair and told me yes.

At my apartment, I kicked my shoes off and plopped down on the sofa. I flipped through the channels, not really seeing the TV. I eventually dozed off. At 10pm I got a text message from Mike.

"I'm bringing Chinese," was all it said.

Shit.

15 minutes later my buzzer went off.

"You weren't kidding, were you?"

"Why would I be?"

Of course, he brought my favorite. We sat on the sofa and ate in silence for a while.

"Why did you come over, Mike?"

"To eat, I was starving." he smiled.

I gave him a look.

"Its a peace offering," he looked at me, his eyes changed.

"I'll be right back," I got up and scurried to the bathroom.

I put my hands on either side of the sink and stared into the mirror. I don't know how much time had passed. But I jumped at the knock on the door.

"Connie, are you alright in there?"

"Yes, fine." I called.

I glanced at the clock. 11pm. I opened the door.

"Its late. You should go." I told him.

"Your mascara ran."

"Yeah," I took a step and stumbled foreword. My legs were like jelly. He caught me. This was the first time in a long time I've been in a man's arms.

"Let's get you to bed, okay?"

He guided me to my bed room and actually tucked me in. I watched him sink into the chair and turn off the lamp. I was asleep instantly.

The alarm didn't go off. The next morning, I awoke to find Mike still on the chair, sleeping peacefully. I glanced at the clock and it was 10am. I tried to sit up and my head spun.

"Mike, you're late for work," I said in a dizzy tone.

"What time is it?" he grunted.

"10:02."

"Shit. I'll call Jack," Mike clumsily fumbled for the right contact on his phone.

"Jack, I'm not coming in today. Right. Yes. Okay, bye."

"What was that about?" I asked him.

"I called in sick, the food last night was hell on me."

"Really?" I asked.

"Really. What do you want to do today?" He smiled at me.

"I don't know. Why?" I was confused.

"I want to take you somewhere."

I nodded, thinking he was kidding.

I slept for longer than I intended to. It was 3pm. I walked into the living room and Mike was sitting on the sofa, working.

"Jesus, Mike, you scared me!"

It may have been my imagination, but I think he looked me up and down once.

"Connie, do you like The Phantom of the Opera?" he asked, ignoring my comment.

How did he know it was my very favorite? Then I realized. I wore the little pin on the lapel of my blazer the other day. It was in the shape of the phantom's mask.

"Yes, I do. I didn't know you were into musicals, Mike," I teased.

"I'm not. I thought it might be nice to take you," He laughed.

"Well, I don't know if this is appropriate," I became nervous. Was he asking me out?

"I already bought the tickets. Might as well go," he showed me the tickets. Front row.

As I sat beside him, I couldn't help thinking how romantic the story would be. The actress that played Christine was no Sarah Brightman, but she hit the high notes. The Phantom was decent too. "All I Ask of You" is my favorite out of the whole show. I mouthed the words as it went on. Funny thing though, I thought I noticed tears welling up in Mike's eyes. He cleared his throat.

"Mike, are you okay?" I whispered.

"I'm fine." he smiled.

I couldn't believe Mike was crying. He was supposed to be arrogant, over confident. Not lose it over a song.

"...ALL THAT THE PHANTOM ASKED OF YOU!"

He got up and left.

_What? _I went after him. _Mike, where are you?_ I thought as I clambered to the back door. I opened it slowly. Then, I spotted him at the bottom of the stairs. I walked carefully down the stairs, my heels clicking.

"Hi," I said.

"Hi," he said smiling faintly.

"Anything wrong?" I asked, although clearly, there was something the matter.

"Nope."

"Mike..."

"Connie, I've been _feeling_ a lot lately. Some things I don't know how to deal with. Before you say anything, just know I've given this a lot of thought." he sighed and lowered his eyes.

"Mike...are you firing me?"

"No, I'm not. I love you, Connie," he gazed at me with what looked like a hint of fear.

I wasn't expecting this. Not by a long shot. He loves me? How is that even possible? I mean sure, he's given me some lingering glances. I've definitely noticed that. But love? He is surely going through a mid-life crisis thing. That has to be it. Right? I had been silent for too long. Yet, I had no idea what I was going to say to him.

"Listen, Mike. You have to know how this must sound."

"Crazy, right?" he shook his head, then got up from the stairs.

"No. I guess its understandable. We spend a lot of time together," I reasoned.

"Its not that." he sighed.

"Then what is it?"

"What the hell, I'll tell you. Its everything. You're everything. I must be fucking crazy to think that this would turn into anything except a sad, pathetic attempt to win you over. I wasn't going to tell you. I don't want to lose a hell of a ADA because of this," he said, then cleared his throat.

I'd never seen him so vulnerable.

"Oh, Mike. I'm sorry. I had no idea you felt like this. You're not going to lose me."

I got up from the stairs and went over to where he was standing. I thought I should hug him. I wasn't sure if that would be a good idea or not. What the hell was I going to do? I decided to put my hand on his shoulder.

"Connie, I'm sorry. I just haven't had a woman in my life in a long time. You're unlike any woman I've ever met." he sniffled.

"Its okay." I said softly. I _really_ needed to hug him now.

You know, its funny, we've never hugged before. Why would we? But I was just making a friend feel better. Nothing else, right? I put my arms around him and held him for what I thought was an acceptable time length. He seemed to hold on extra tight. The hug lasted longer than what I thought was appropriate, but I didn't have the heart to pull away from him. I wouldn't have told him this, but I haven't had a man in my life for a while either. Mike was just a little lonely.

"Its okay," I whispered in his ear.

I really didn't intend to whisper. I had to keep reminding myself of his personality traits that I found irritating. But on this cold night, he was warm. His eyes were more blue than I had realized. They met my chocolate brown ones. I started to panic because I knew he was going to kiss me. He caressed my cheek with the back of his hand. Then he placed it on the back of my neck, his other arm around my waist and drew me closer. I didn't have to be a rocket scientist to know he'd waited for this moment for a long time. I didn't know whether to kiss him back. Before I could decide, he met my lips gently. His lips were soft. Our mouths fit perfectly together. I found myself kissing him back. Just to make his feel better. I didn't pull away when his tongue slipped into my mouth. My head became foggy. He was an incredible kisser. A moan escaped me. I held him tighter, my hands sliding under his coat. He wove his fingers through my hair. Then it suddenly hit me, I was making out with my boss.

"Mike," I breathed.

"What's wrong?" He was flushed.

"We can't do this," I walked back to the stairs.

"I know, but I wanted this for so long," he said in a low voice.

"I can't be what you want me to be, Mike. I'm sorry," I could hear the pain in his voice, but I knew I couldn't return his feelings.

The ride home was excruciatingly long. Barely a word was spoken between us. The conversation-less drive left me a lot of time to think. I was worried that our work relationship would be ruined. It probably would be. I'd have leave my ADA position, one I had worked hard for. The thought of leaving my job saddened me tremendously. I couldn't let that happen. I resolved to forget this ever happened and continue to work, no matter what.

Mike seemed to be concentrating on driving. He kept his eyes on the road and looked pissed off. I didn't blame him. He was doing rather well for a man who'd just gotten his heart broken. Too well? I glanced at Mike. His mouth was in a tight grimace. Had he wished he'd never said anything? I sure wished like hell he hadn't. Maybe I was being selfish. My uneasy feelings were nothing compared to his crushed feelings of love for me. I had broken the man's heart. I knew how a crushed heart felt. His name was Ethan Parker. I was absolutely in love with him. We went out for the last semester of my first year of law school. When summer came, he'd run off with some blond who's parents had a lot of money. Remembering how I felt that day he'd destroyed me, I broke my silence.

"Mike, are you okay?"

"Well Connie, considering I just got my heart slashed open, I think I'm doing alright," he said flatly, without looking at me.

"I'm sorry, Mike. I really am," I put my hand on his shoulder.

"Don't. Just don't," he shrugged my hand away.

At this point we were almost back to my apartment. I was glad, I didn't know what else to say. If there was anything else. We arrived and he walked me up to my front door. That surprised me. I turned to face him. His eyes were dark and he was frowning at me. He looked almost scary. Was I now an enemy? I knew if you crossed Mike Cutter, your name would be mud for weeks. But I never thought I'd be on his shit list.

"I better get going,"

"Mike, I know I said I wanted time off, but I'd like to come back on Monday," I didn't want to give him any more reason to hate me.

"Sure, I'll see you on Monday then," he gave a small nod.

"Mike," I caught his hand as he turned from me. It might have been my imagination, but I thought he squeezed my hand softly.

"I know you must hate me but-"

"Connie, I told you I loved you an hour ago. How could I hate you now?" he chucked and our hands came apart.

"So I'm not on your shit list?"

"No, of course not. I'll see you Monday, alright?" he smiled.

"Alright, good-night," I was thrilled I wasn't in the dog house.


	2. Part II

**DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN THESE CHARACTERS.  
**

**A/N: sorry this one is short, I rewrote it. Part 3 might be a little short too, but we'll see. Thanks for reading and as always, feed back is much appreciated!  
**

The next few weeks at the office were fine. Mike and I were back to normal and even started working together better than before. That was until David started to show interest in me. He was a co-worker. David was really cute, slightly younger. I was surprised when he asked me out, I didn't know him that well. Mike was rattled by it. Not that he'd ever show it. He kept his cool seemingly. I knew better. One night, when everyone was gone, Mike pulled me aside.

"Connie, do you have a date with David Morrison?"

"Where did you hear that?" I heard my voice waver.

"The restroom. He was bragging. I overheard. So, is it true?"

"Yes."

"You know, inter-office dating is very unseemly."

Jerk.

"Except when its you, right?" my voice was spiteful.

He chucked and turned away from me.

"You're such a hypocritical asshole!" I yelled.

He turned back around, looking shocked. I was shocked myself. I'd never called him a name. He was my boss! This conversation was going down hill quickly.

"I- I'm sor—"

"Are you trying to make me jealous, Connie? Because its sure as hell working!" he yelled.

"I'm not trying to make you jealous. Not everything I do concerns you!" I yelled back.

He was really pissing me off. I had to get out of there before I said something else I'd regret.

"I have to go," I said trying to regain my composure.

"I can't do this anymore! Being around you everyday. Not being able to truly be with you. I'm going crazy," he sat down at his desk chair.

"Mike, what do you want me to do?"

"I don't know."

I didn't have to hear anymore. I left despite his objections to stay. Thankfully, he didn't follow me.

That night I had a dream about Mike. He'd fired me and I was living on the streets. I was sitting on the corner asking for spare change. I saw a car speeding towards me. Just as I was about to get hit, there was a loud ring. I woke up and looked at my phone. It was Mike. Everything in me told me not to answer the call. Well, almost everything in me.

"Hello?"

"Connie?"

My mouth was dry and I didn't know what to say except that I was sorry.

"Mike, I want to apologize for what I said. Can we just pretend it never happened?" I rubbed my eyes, flakes of mascara came off on my fingers. I glanced at a mirror. Streaks of mascara were dried on my face.

"I'm sorry to be calling so late. I realized you're right," he sighed.

"I'm right?" I said in a surprised tone.

"I'll let you get back to sleep. Bye, Connie."

"Mike, wait!" he ended the call.

I was up the rest of the night. I wanted an explanation. What did he mean I was 'right'? Did he call me just to tell me I was right? There had to be something else. Maybe I was over thinking it.

Morning came and I slowly sat up and rose from the bed. My head hurt like hell but still I ate breakfast and got ready as usual. But there was something unusual. Something didn't feel right.

When I got to the office, I saw Mike and he motioned for me to come into the office. I wasn't expecting what I heard next. At all.

"What's going on?" I asked Mike.

"It's Dawn. Connie, you'd better sit down," he looked at me with worry as i sat.

"She was hit by a car this morning. She didn't make it. Connie, I'm so sorry," he reached out to comfort me.

Dawn was my best friend from law school. We'd been roommates even after college. She was like my sister. I bolted from the room and into the restroom. I scrambled to the nearest toilet and vomited.

"Connie?"

It was Mike. I heard him walk up to my stall.

"Are you okay?" he said, his tone gentle.

I wiped my mouth and unlocked the door from where I was sitting.

"I'm so sorry," he said as he helped me up.

"This can't be happening," I said, my emotions high.

"It's going to be okay," Mike pulled away slightly and kissed my forehead.

I looked at him, my eyes teary,and buried my face in his chest. I cried harder than I ever had before.

After I cried until I had no more tears, we went back to the office. I was numb to everything around me. Jack came in and offered me some time off. I graciously took the offer and left right away.

I got home and realized I wanted someone there with me. I could only think of the one person who could comfort me. Mike.


	3. Part III

I pressed Mike's contact on my phone. It rang several times. It finished ringing and went to voice-mail. I wanted to hear his voice before I hung up. Hearing the message gave me comforting feeling. I wanted to see him. Right now. But he was at work, or course. After watching mindless daytime TV, I finally drifted into a troubled sleep on the couch. I woke up having had a dream about Dawn. She was right in front of me, her auburn hair glistening in the sunlight. We were in Central Park on a bench. the air was chilly, but not as cold as a usual New York City winter. Maybe it was her. She had a warmth about her, a radiance. Now she was gone. Head in my hands, I started to sob once more. I glanced at clock it was already nearly 8pm. I reached for my phone and dialed Mike up. This time he answered.

"Mike," I breathed into the phone.

"Hi. How are you holding up, Connie?"

"Not well. Could you come over?"

"Yeah, I can be there in 45 minutes," his tone was worrisome.

I cleaned up a little bit for Mike's visit. I didn't know why I was cleaning up. I changed into my house slippers. I glanced at the wall clock, 8:45. I walked to the door, trying to mask how truly destroyed I was.

"Hi," he seemed hesitant.

I stepped aside and he walked in. I offered him something to drink and he declined. I started to go to the couch, but he caught my hand.

"How are you doing?" he asked.

"Fine, I'm-" I broke down.

"Oh, Connie, " he held me.

We sat down, my head went to rest on his shoulder.

"It's so unfair, Mike," I said through my tears.

"I know, I'm so sorry," his consoling was soothing.

Suddenly, I had a desire to never leave his embrace. I kissed him. He returned the kiss at first, but he broke it to look at me.

"Connie, I don't know if this is the right time. You're fragile right now. I don't want to take advan-"

"You wouldn't be. I'm sure about this."

I kissed him again. I wasn't thinking about the repercussions of what would follow. I looked at Mike. He wasn't just my boss anymore. He was about to become something...more. I studied his face and searched for an answer to a question I wasn't able to answer on my own.

"Its okay," He took my hands in his as he told me this.

I touched his lips with the tips of my fingers. I hoped he wouldn't say anything because was I already nervous. He placed his hands on my hips. I was a few inches away from his mouth. This was actually going to happen. I was going to kiss him. His brow furrowed and he abruptly pulled my fingers away from his lips. I was about to kiss him, why did he stop me?

"You're sure?" he whispered.

I nodded.

I rested my hand at the back of his neck and kissed him. Mike, returning the kiss, put his arms around me and held me close.

His hands strayed lower than my hips. He pressed his hand against my thigh. Then, he eased it slowly up the length of my thigh, stopping half way. I took off his jacket and started to loosen his tie. He broke the kiss only to pull off my sweater. I felt naked in my camisole even though I had my pajama pants on.

Honestly, I did feel a little nervous, but at the same time I felt very safe. But I wasn't thinking about this life altering decision anymore. I was focusing on how good it felt. While I was realizing slowly that it felt so natural being with him like this, Mike had started kissing my neck. It was a sensation I hadn't felt in a long time. Closing my eyes, I wrapped my arms around him and gave a soft moan. He then went to my shoulder and started kissing there. Though, losing myself to this feeling didn't seem like the right thing. Dawn had just died and here I was about to.. I knew what would happen next. By that time, Mike was starting to slip his hand down the back on my pants. I could have stopped him, I had a damn good reason, but I didn't. I wanted him and he wanted me. I was electrified once I realized where his hand was. I gasped. My pants came off and I was practically on his lap. I was hyper aware that I was in my panties and a camisole only. Mike pulled off his tie as we walked to my bed room. He caught up with me and grabbed me. Slowly, he stripped off my camisole. I covered myself. On some level I was embarrassed. He pulled down my hands gently and looked me in the eyes.

"You're beautiful," he said.

"Thank you," I blushed.

We tumbled onto the bed. I could see his hand shaking when he went to touch me. I started trembling with anticipation. I wanted him so much. His hand roamed over me and I gripped the sheets. My breathing became heavy. I felt his lips on my skin. Making a small whimper, I bit my lip. We made love and it was perfect.


End file.
